Lesson learned

Well. that's over and done with. Been done with for 3 weeks now. I've just been wondering if it should be posted. I realised it should.

Let it be a reminder to me.

Look, I tried my best with this guy... this guy who claims over 20 years experience. But whilst there is no doubt that his technique is sound, his heart and mind are.... well, shabby, cold, callous and irresponsible.

** He failed me as a Dom **

We had made plans to lend me out to another Dom. We talked about this, he let me decide, I accepted, and conveyed that if he were present, I would consent. We set a date and I was terribly nervous and apprehensive. This was first time, and he knew that.

- 2 weeks before our special appointment, he had a change in job scope

- 1 week before the meeting, I asked him if we should postpone; he declined and said he would confirm

- that confirmation never came. I had to SMS him the night before. And he didn't answer until the day itself that of course, our special meeting was cancelled because he couldn't cope.

Sorry - no matter how bad your personal life or career is, you could have accepted my offer to postpone. Put your damned ego aside, listened to reason. But no..... he made me wait one week, all nervous and on tenderhooks. Is this how you take care of your property? You want me to wear your marks, but you don't want the responsibility? Tsk tsk tsk.

Oh, and he knew things weren't working out, but he didn't give a shit. During our last session, *I* had to make recommendations on how to use little actions and language to centre us on BDSM play. Hello? You claim you want to train me but you did nothing throughout to prove your experience! You left it to a sub - a sub whom you knew hadn't played for over 8 years - to try and improve things?

Fail. As a Dom, totally fail.

** He failed me in the vanilla world **

He had left my belongings unattended to retrieve something. He could not wait the 5 minutes for me to return. It is the work of but a split second for someone to walk by and grab my handbag. You obviously couldn't care less what happens to my belongings.

Oh, plenty of other little things that made me wonder about him. Like how he would greet me with a blank look and a brusque nod of the head. Any smile I had forming on my face at the pleasure of seeing him would die slowly. I could *feel* my smiles dying. Then we'd sit down to dinner and I wouldn't/couldn't smile for the rest of the evening., If you know me, you'll know this is rare... I am usually smiling half the time I'm with someone.

As a person? Fail.

** He was a health risk **

Pussy ropes used were not washed. Anal plug was removed and tossed back into the drawer. Vibrator was pulled out of my ass and later, he asked me to use it on my clit.

MAJOR fail.

** Lastly, he took me for granted **

I had told him never to take my submission for granted. But no... he only SMSed me when he wanted to ask me when I was going over. Or if he had some sex-related question. But as a person? Nada. No interest in who I was, how I was doing, how I was feeling. Any information he knew about me was something I had said voluntarily. And by this time, I was even more reticent than normal because of how unhappy I was.

It made me feel as if my submission to him was no different to submitting to some idiot off the street. Or to his bloody washing machine lol What was my submission worth to him? Apparently? Nothing. I was merely someone to fuck when convenient.

Absolute, complete and utter FAILURE.

I don't think I've quite met anyone who failed on so many levels lol. The unfortunate thing was.... I knew his friends loved him and I struggled to see the man inside. I made excuses for him, to myself. I wanted this to work out as I'd missed serving. Any and all of these things made me blind to the fact that this IDIOT was just out for a quick, impersonal fuck.

Subs, please learn from my lesson. If a person cannot treat you with grace, dignity and respect as a normal person, you will receive even worse treatment as a submissive. True, I want to be made a toy, to serve, to obey, but these are things I give to my Master, not things to be grabbed with grubby, greedy hands.

For example, on an early visit home with this jerk, he actually asked me to hang out his laundry. Accommodating idiot that I was, I obliged. I stopped doing things for him very quickly, however, when it dawned on me I was just being used.

I truly believe submission is a gift. I have learnt to stand up for myself in the vanilla world and as a sub, I still need to defend myself as needed. But this whole episode has showed me I have forgotten a few things...so in a way I am grateful to Idiot for awakening my sub side and reminding me how HOW I should be taking care of myself.

I give up my freedom to you: I want to obey you, I want to serve you, I want to make you happy in any way I can. Bend me over furniture (over anything! lol), tie me up and plug me. Let me be your body servant and sit at your feet. Teach me to pleasure you in ways only you know. Examine me to ensure I am up to your standards.

But in return I need you to look after me, have my well-being at heart, show me you understand what my submission means, treasure that submission.

Sounds like I need a TPE or 24/7 eh? lol No, not really! But this is what goes through my mind when I submit. Bottom line? Don't take my submission for granted.

It's all in the head for me.

All mental.

All it ever was.

All it will ever be.

Argh! To find a Dom who understands all this is will be my life's pursuit! lol NNnoooooo.... not really :)) I'm not quite so hung up on this that I'll push everything else aside. But my god, when I find him he'll be a treasure to savour and hold dear, you can be sure!!

Oh well... next better Dom please!

Opps, it looks downhill from hereon....

I should have held back from my last post lol

Communication has gone from great to ghastly poor. We've had a bit of an argy-bary tonight and I am wondering what the hell just happened?

Taking a lover is no problem, but even a lover should have friendship as the basis. If we can't even have that....

The irony? Sir's touch causes my fucking treacherous body to react on it's own. Seriously. As in, a Pavlovian response to his touch. Oh gods, I'm fucked. lol.


UPDATE 8 Feb
I'm met him since and he brought this matter up on his own; I was provided a calm and lucid explanation. However, I have long since learned that words are easy to sprout. I shall have to wait and see if his actions reinforce this words, alas.

Communication? Again? But, of course!

Good-o!

All's been resolved and my heart is at peace.

I've met my Master twice since that last post. Have told Sir that I trust him not to physically harm me, but I am only just learning to trust him emotionally. An unexpected (but perhaps not) development of our playing so quickly upon getting to know each other.

However, after we talked about miscommunications and differing perceptions, I think we have a better idea of each other's personalities. And I like it! He is quickly becoming very important to me and a large part of that is because he's a great communicator.

Onwards and upwards, wahey!

I need to talk more

I know I resurrected this blog as a sounding board for my thoughts and concerns. After being alone for so long, it is difficult for me to tell what is pertinent to submissives in general, and what is private to me.

However, I now face a dilemma : my Master is from the UK and when home, he has a small select circle he plays with. He also had a partner/girlfriend/sub who only played with him.

Now, I like to be posed in positions he finds the most pleasing. They tend to be revealing, to say the least lol. And in one of our earliest play dates, he took a series of pictures. Which I am perfectly happy with. Assuming they remained with him.

Alas, they were sent to his friend in the UK.

Then last week, during a series of bantering SMSs, he suddenly asked me "be honest, tell me your darkest fantasy". That made me pause for a bit and in the end, I just shared that I fantasize about being displayed and used in a public setting. A fairly cursory one-liner. And yes, I find out he's shared this with the couple in the UK.

Granted, the only way I found out about this was because Master had voluntarily told me. He thought it was fun, that he had this exchange thing going on.

But.... Hello? I let you take pics assuming they would stay with you only? I'm also glad I held back on giving you specific examples on darkest fantasies because now I feel like I'm dating 3 people : Master, his friend, and his friend's wife/sub. And I don't feel good.

What do you do when you trust someone not to kill or physically harm you but cannot trust them with your head and heart? As his submissive, I will be very vulnerable to Master. I don't want to give him the power to hurt me.

The problem, I think, lies in the fact that we played so quickly. We know we're compatible BDSM wise. But are we compatible in the normal sense?As people in day-to-day lives? HHhhmmmm. Something to think about.

I'm seeing him tonight. Most unexpectedly. We were scheduled to meet only this Sunday. I've been wondering how to bring this up and I am at a loss on how to talk to him about this....


Dammit, I'm loosing my powers of *normal* communication now lol

A re-introduction... sort of... I think!

Can't believe I'm on this blog.

And about to write again!

It'll be a different viewpoint though... I have been well out of the lifestyle, community, playgroups.... ALL of it. I no longer am part of the local group, pulled my membership back in 2008/2009 and have pretty much lost touch with everyone. I am in no position to give advise or encouragement either.

Throughout the years, I maintained a profile on alt.com as a matter of habit. I logged in perhaps once every 2 or 3 weeks and had a strongly worded profile detailing what I wanted, what I did NOT want, and who I desired.

Strongly worded because the sheer number of wannabes, fucktards, idiots, riffraff, losers and morons was astounding. lol. And it worked! A strongly worded profile does wonders for these time wasters! It kept them out of my hair.

In Dec 2011, it also attracted the attention of someone rather interesting.

I confess, I bit his head off figuratively. 'twas a knee jerk reaction to some of the things he said. I still feel shame a month later lol But suffice to say that we worked through it (he forgave me most graciously) and we're playing now.

I feel a welter of emotions and there's a tumultuous riot of thought that runs through me every time I think of him - what he does to me, what he makes me feel, and the reactions my mind and body give him. I find myself thinking of him every day now.

I want some coherency to what's going on now. (Not that asking someone to make me his fuck toy is sane lol) but there has always ALWAYS been a method to the madness. Writing seems like a good way of laying out my thoughts. It might seem absurd that I'm putting my thoughts online as well, but I have discovered that I found other submissives' thoughts and postings rather enlightening. If I may help but a single sub soul out there to find his/her way via my own meanderings, then I view that as an achievement :) An addition to the madness is how much I have missed this. Oh, how I have missed this. *shivers*

I've also been doing some reading up.... I want to refresh myself on what other D/s couples are going through. Earlier this morning, I found an old (2008/2009) blog of what seems to be a full time D/s couple.... both parties posted their thoughts. And the comments from others.... very poignant. The start of my current journey must be affecting me more than I thought. The same fears, the same concerns. But far better written than I ever could. I found myself crying softly

That made the decision for me.

Sir has asked me if I would consider starting a journal. I hesitated at the time. I can hesitate no more. I may let him read it. Been on my own for a long time (since 2007) and it was hard enough to articulate what I wanted with Him. What more my deepest fears? lol Oh god, could I handle being that vulnerable?

Anyways. I think this is long enough for my first post in a loooong time. I need to think some more on how I feel now.

Damn, but if feels good to let it all out!

Farewell.

If you have not noticed by now, I am no longer posting here.

You may access the links if you have curiousities. Or drop me an email if you 'd like. However, I must advise you that a personal response will be slow.

Good luck on your journey. It WILL be worthwhile if you have the patience. And if you have the luck in finding a compatible partner.

And please.... always be careful. Exercise your common sense. And always ALWAYS err on the side of caution.


Play safe! And goodbye.

Accept the wild wild internets

Accept that, after a while, you will probably have to go online to find a playmate. As a matter of fact, for BDSMers, it's practically a requirement lol

But I cannot warn you enough to always always always always always always ALWAYS always always use your common sense.

Take for example, this guy who wrote me, looking for a sub in Singapore. He was nice, fairly easy going, our email exchange was pleasant. Then on about the 4th email, he recommended that we play a game :

He wanted to give me his hotel room number, and I was to have gone up to his room, put on a blindfold, and let him have his way with me. WITHOUT MEETING. The meeting would have been after our "play time".

I cannot stress enough how stupid this is. As a female sub, meeting a male Dom? I mean, WHAT the FUCK was he thinking?

Listen :

Physcially, as a sub, you will be restrained. If you meet the proverbial axe murderer, how do you suppose you'll escape? Ok, that's a long shot. Practically speaking, without knowing who this person is, how do you know he hasn't lied about what he liked BDSM wise?

He could have told you he likes mild spanking, but what's to prevent him from thrashing the daylights out of you? Pain thresholds are so very different. Even if it's not painful to him, it might very well be for you.

There was more. And I will share the gory details with you, if that's what you really want, but suffice it to say, if you ever come across some Top who asks the same sort of thing, run away! Run run FAR away!

From my previous experience, I've found that these same guidelines ran through all the magnificent Doms I've had the pleasure of serving :

When I first met them :
- there were no expectations, they recognised that respect & trust were earned
- they spoke to me as equals
- we only expressely moved into BDSM play when both were agreed and ready
- things were discussed before hand, whenever we wanted to try something new
- they all displayed remarkable manners and were exquisitely considerate before, during and after playtime

Fucktards I can recogise a mile away :
- people who expect you to submit to them just because they *say* they are a Dom
- people who call themselves a True Dom (please run away VERY VERY fast)
- people who expect you to apologise for THEIR bad manners, when they've been rude or condescending or just plain stupid. Being a Dom doesn't make you better. Being a Dom doesn't give you the right to push people around.
- people who expect submssives to be subservient in real life too (this is a HUGE mistake. Some of the best subs I have met are extremely strong personalities in their daily lives.)

What these Fucktards faily to realise is that as a Top, they need a bottom to complement them and to form a perfect oneness.... A whole being..... One perfect circle.... There is not one stronger partner, no one better, no one weaker.

So please, if you're online and looking for a play partner, DO use your head first. Someone who is coarse, ill-mannered, inconsiderate or just plain uncouth as a person will be an extremely poor play partner.

The same works the other way around for Tops. For example :
- Look out for bottoms who are wary, but polite (this shows they have good manners but aren't stupid about things)
- Considerate, but not a total doormat; so she knows how to add to the BDSM relationship but is able to hone that consideration to a love suitable for that of a Dom(me)

It really does boil down to how well you know yourself, and what you are willing to settle for. If you're silly as a submissive and allow someone obnoxious to walk all over you.... tsk tsk tsk...


I should smack you myself!

Munch for Oct

Ok, ok... I have been sorely remiss.

Loads going on in my normal life and this wee blog of mine had to sit on the back burner for a while. I missed the Sept munch but looks like Oct is shaping up pretty good.

It's happening this Thur at Mox Bar & cafe; their location is at 21,Tanjong PagarRoad #04-01.

The rest is... eh... I dunno. Never been there. But BondageKing was kind enough to post this on SGDomSubs so I'm just helping to pass the word. If anyone pops by this way anymore, I mean. *wry grin*


I wonder if our Girls are going to dress up?

So...

.....if some fucking idiot trawls my blog and sends me an email requesting to get to know me, is public humiliation in order? I mean, this blog is meant to be knowledge-based (not that I've been posting regularly) and it's quite clear I'm not here to pick up men.

And worse, it's a kink related blog. Fucker pops by with the kindergarten question of "can I get to know you"?


Say the word, I personally am not inclined towards mercy. Heh.

Not ready

- RANT ALERT -


I don't get it, I really don't.

If I give you my number because of Munch arrangements 3 weeks back, so you don't get lost, how does that translate into an SMS today that asks if I am doing something tonight and "can I come? I am bored tonight?" Since when am I here to entertain fuckers who are bored? Especially when said people don't bother to turn up. Don't bother to inform you either. How genuine are you anyways? And how rude to self-invite yourself to other people's lives!

Please note that I don't know who this guy is, I don't know how old he is, if he is legitimately intrested in BDSM or if he is just fucking around and trying to get girls. (Girls. Bah! *rolls eyes* I left girlhood behind a decade ago)

I'm here to help guide people along IN GENERAL. I strongly resent the assumption that just because I have exchanged a few friendly SMSes a month ago, I am your new best friend. That I'm here to personally hold your hand. That I am here to show you, in miniscule baby step by baby step, how to do things.

Fuck that. I am not. Get a fucking backbone!

BDSM requires a great deal of consideration. A greal deal of thought. It is NOT "oh let me tie you up and fuck you". Oh sure, that's always fun. But fuck the wrong way, and you hurt your partner. Tie the wrong way, and you injure flesh. And you come across as a needy, selfish fucker.

If you read this and didn't realise that being polite and considerate COUNTS, then oh gods, please..... you're not ready to leave your mommy's apron strings yet.


Not by a fucking long shot!!

July Munch

** UPDATE! PLEASE READ! **
Location has been changed!

New venue :
1 Nite Stand Bar and Comedy Club
3 River Valley Road
Clarke Quary Black A
#01 - 04
Tel : 63341954
Reservation has been made for 8PM onwards. They will give us more space in the unlikely event that the crowd swells.

Apologies - Loof wouldn't let be do an indoor booking and their outdoor space is being taken by a private event until 9.30PM.

*****************************************

Haven't posted much lately but wanted to announce that there will be a munch this month....

That would be next Thursay (26 July) from 8PM onwards.Venue to remain at Loof because I simply haven't the time to suss out a new venue... although everyone seemed happy enough the last time :) Would anyone care to join me?

Loof is at http://loof.com.sg/rooftopbar/The address is 331 North Bridge Road #03-07 Odeon Towers Extension Rooftop and they can be reached @ 63388035. If you're walking in from City Hall, it's the short glassy building just before you encounter Bras Basah Complex and if that sounds strange, I would recommend checking out their website anyways for their map :o

Please email me if you'd like to clarify anything, I'd be happy to answer as best I can!

Why play? CAN you play?

How did you first find out you enjoyed BDSM?

Did you think you were a little mentally "off"? That perhaps there was something not quite right? Did you try and speak to people, or friends, only to find them recoiling when you described what REALLY turned you on?

I never spoke to my friends. My discovery was all online. Initially triggered by someone's handle on a chat room, I asked my Mentor about it. But it was a boot up the arse when he barked You're not ready!! Holy shit, you can't challenge me like that and I dived into anything I could get my hands online and surfed, researched, chatted and hung out with anyone BDSM linked for 2 years before I had my first session. Not everyone is like me, but a majority start out online, as I rather suspect.
*wry grin*
But I digress. The fact is that most people think of BDSM, in all it's glory, as something only the deranged enjoy.

I beg to differ. I TOTALLY beg to differ.

It means a lot of things to different people. The myriad levels of BDSM play are endless. But did it ever occur to you that you'd have to be pretty sexually evolved to enjoy your fun things?

For a submissive, it takes a lot to push through, to acknowledge that heck, being tied up and being punished are joys. I want that to happen. Do me! Do me! And for Dom/mes.... to let loose and realise you're not being maniacal about wanting that power.

And that is not the end of it. Along with all that inhibition comes a very high level of self awareness and responsibility. You're going to have to be much more conscious about this than most.

Example :
My ex was totally vanilla until he met me. He took to being a top because he had a natural inclination towards that direction but when we took out the ropes, he tied the knots to ensure no escape. Which.... to a certain extent, was the entire purpose. But the knots got tighter the more they were pulled. This is Not Good.

Blood circulation is important. Goes without saying! You don't want to cause any nerve damage either. You have to make sure the knots will be secure BUT will be able to be undone in the blink of an eye. You have to ensure said knots can't be over any major arteries or veins. If you want secure knots that can't come undone, then you need a pair of "safety scissors" close at hand. And this is WITHOUT suspension coming into the picture. Now, how many people think THOSE things?

I like to use the word evolved. Evolved because you've come to terms with what you like; evolved because you can see past social conditions and embrace your OWN passions; evolved because self awareness is learnt with a conscious effort; evolved because you set your own limits and responsibility.

And what I don't appreciate are people who think they can learn BDSM in an hour.
*rolls eyes*
You might have the inclination but diving in without any thought shows a recklessness that shouldn't be encouragedl; not with the possibility of being physically hurt!


Perhaps I should do safety awareness classes. lol.

Exchange

Interestingly enough, the leading editor of Bondage Guide found my wee corner and offered to exchange links. I rather suspect it's to drive traffic to his online shop, but what the hey, I agreed.

So pop by to the Love Shop and say hello. I haven't been yet, but heck, they might have something you like.


There, have I met my quota on blogging yet? lol

Sweet

Lots of things are sweet.

The wonderful feeling of helplessness from being bound, the slow blush when you're being probed and examined, the excitement and anticipation from... oh my... so many things. The one other thing that should be sweet ought to be ejaculate.
*wry grin*


Pop by here if you want the nitty gritty.

Back

Sorry to everyone who popped by, only to find nothing new.

There's been some personal drama in my life which needed to be resolved and blogging was really the last thing on my mind. Drama? From me?
*wry grin*
Yup. From me.
Partner and I broke up and I've been trying to find some closure. The full sordid story is on my other blog but on this one, suffice it to say that I'm back.


What did I miss?

It Speaks!

I suppose a bit of a self introduction is in order.

I'd consider myself somewhat experienced in the lifestyle though I think it hardly qualifys me to call subs "little one".

I'm mostly local, but allegedly part Japanese, depending on who you speak to in the family. Take myself far less seriously than I should which I suspect sometimes annoys the living daylights out of my esteemed fellow blogger but I like to think that she puts up with me for my dashing good looks and cutting wit.

I've probably been 'into' the lifestyle literally since I can remember but really got into it in my college years. There were loads of pervy people there. And seems like over the years what started out more as a captivation purely with S&M has given way to a penchant for domination and submission. Not to say that I've thrown away my ropes and floggers mind you.

And finally, any introduction would not be complete without a picture of my favourite riding crop which, a friend used to imaginatively nickname "Greenie" and was once unfortunately discovered by a customs official but survived the encounter nonetheless:


Be good y'all.