Can't believe I'm on this blog.
And about to write again!
It'll be a different viewpoint though... I have been well out of the lifestyle, community, playgroups.... ALL of it. I no longer am part of the local group, pulled my membership back in 2008/2009 and have pretty much lost touch with everyone. I am in no position to give advise or encouragement either.
Throughout the years, I maintained a profile on alt.com as a matter of habit. I logged in perhaps once every 2 or 3 weeks and had a strongly worded profile detailing what I wanted, what I did NOT want, and who I desired.
Strongly worded because the sheer number of wannabes, fucktards, idiots, riffraff, losers and morons was astounding. lol. And it worked! A strongly worded profile does wonders for these time wasters! It kept them out of my hair.
In Dec 2011, it also attracted the attention of someone rather interesting.
I confess, I bit his head off figuratively. 'twas a knee jerk reaction to some of the things he said. I still feel shame a month later lol But suffice to say that we worked through it (he forgave me most graciously) and we're playing now.
I feel a welter of emotions and there's a tumultuous riot of thought that runs through me every time I think of him - what he does to me, what he makes me feel, and the reactions my mind and body give him. I find myself thinking of him every day now.
I want some coherency to what's going on now. (Not that asking someone to make me his fuck toy is sane lol) but there has always ALWAYS been a method to the madness. Writing seems like a good way of laying out my thoughts. It might seem absurd that I'm putting my thoughts online as well, but I have discovered that I found other submissives' thoughts and postings rather enlightening. If I may help but a single sub soul out there to find his/her way via my own meanderings, then I view that as an achievement :) An addition to the madness is how much I have missed this. Oh, how I have missed this. *shivers*
I've also been doing some reading up.... I want to refresh myself on what other D/s couples are going through. Earlier this morning, I found an old (2008/2009) blog of what seems to be a full time D/s couple.... both parties posted their thoughts. And the comments from others.... very poignant. The start of my current journey must be affecting me more than I thought. The same fears, the same concerns. But far better written than I ever could. I found myself crying softly
That made the decision for me.
Sir has asked me if I would consider starting a journal. I hesitated at the time. I can hesitate no more. I may let him read it. Been on my own for a long time (since 2007) and it was hard enough to articulate what I wanted with Him. What more my deepest fears? lol Oh god, could I handle being that vulnerable?
Anyways. I think this is long enough for my first post in a loooong time. I need to think some more on how I feel now.
Damn, but if feels good to let it all out!